When my time comes
forget the wrong that I’ve done.
Help me leave behind some
reasons to be missed.
Don’t resent me,
and when you’re feeling empty,
keep me in your memory.
Leave out all the rest.
Forgetting all the hurt inside
you’ve learned to hide so well.
Pretending someone else can come
and save me from myself.
I can’t be who you are.

I think there are times on your life when you realize things that make you take a step back and get a better view of your life. Call it stupid, but I did it yesterday and had to tell myself some things.

Sometimes I just go through my daily routine, never stopping to think about what I am really doing. I’m thousands of miles from home, doing something I NEVER thought I would see myself doing. I left behind my family, and the closest friends I have ever had in order to create a future for myself. And when I stop to think about it, it makes me sad. Although I know I made a good choice for myself, I hate missing what happens in the lives of those I love. I see my friends suffer from afar, knowing I can’t be there for them like I always was. I can’t watch their backs on those weekends at the bar… I can’t help them fix things on their vehicles or houses like I used to do.. And most of all, I can’t be their shoulder to cry on when they go through the toughest times in life.

I have to consider what this will do to me in the long run. I know I’m not the first person to do this. This is, however, the first time I have done this. Where will I be four years from now? Will I even be around four years from now? When I get deployed, will I be attached to infantry unit or will I be far from the enemy where I will never see the horrible realities of war? Will I return? Will I ever meet someone who will stick with me when I am gone for months on deployments… Someone who can handle the stresses of being a Marine Wife? All of these questions weigh heavily on my mind day in and day out. It may be morbid, but I know these are the realities of the life I chose for myself… And I must live with the consequences.

I don’t know what all this is for, but oh well.. it’s my blog, right? I know the friends I speak of know who they are. I have considered them my brothers for upwards of 14 years… And I hope they know I love them as my brothers. I hope my family will make it through my deployments with as little worry as possible. And I hope I make it through as well.

That’s it for now… I’m sure I’ll think of something else to write soon.

Well, it has been a nice few weeks at home visiting my family and friends. I always have to leave right as I get used to being back in Tulsa. Anyways, I have to say that I have learned a lot.

I know that I have 3 friends who will always be there for me, no matter what. They are willing to go the extra mile to take care of their friends. I have also learned that there are some things, and some people, that I have to leave in my past. But that’s the sad truth in life. Life is never going to go according to plan, and you can’t control how people feel… no matter how much you wish you could.

So I know that things will be different in my future, and when I return to Tulsa in July I won’t let myself fall back into my old habit of trying to win certain people over. It simply isn’t worth it. They will remain, forever, part of my past. But I will miss it dearly.

So now I get to go back and continue my training. I have a great group of Marines there with me and I know I am doing something good for my future. I just wish I more time here with my old friends. That is all.

As I sit on base on this cool November afternoon I can’t help but think about my brothers and sisters overseas doing the nations dirty work. Today must be a very hard day to be away from their families. I know I may not see my family until next year either, but I’m safe here in the states. I hope that everyone takes a moment to think about those serving our great nation, making sacrifices most of us will never understand.

That’s it really… I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you enjoy your time with your loved ones.

Well, I’m sitting outside stealing a wireless signal so I can surf the net for a little while tonight. You see, I haven’t been assigned an official room the the Detachments barracks because we’re still moving people around. I have started my classes now, and I’m anxious to learn more about my target language.

Monterey is AWESOME. It is by no means a large city, but it’s nice. I like that almost everything is small business in downtown Monterey. You have to travel outside to find a mall, target, borders, and stores like that. I am finding the bar scene to be much different from back home in Tulsa. There are a ton of British Pubs here, but I have yet to find an Irish Pub. The civilians around here seem to be indifferent to military personnel, which is nice. Sometimes the locals hate the military personnel stationed there for reasons I don’t know, but I can imagine it is related to our loud personalities.

I don’t have much to say really… My motorcycle will arrive next week so I will get to explore some of the area on my own. The Marines here are a real tight group. There aren’t many of us here, so we have to look out for each other a lot. This place is crawling with Army, Air Force, and Navy…. but the Corps makes up a very, very small portion of the population in comparison to the other branches. This is supposed to provide a good opportunity to hook up with Air Force chicks… but that resource has already been tapped (pardon the pun), seeing as they have the highest percentage of personnel with STD’s on base! I think I’ll have to focus my attention on the civilian population. I have well over a year here, so I better make the best of it.

I hope to have some friends come visit me some time in the next few months. It might be best to wait until the spring or summer so we can enjoy the beach and the other fun activities around here… but this place is fun even when cold. Anyways… I’m going to stop babbling now. I hope everyone is doing well back home… Miss you guys.

White kitchen walls with a thousand windows
you turn on Winston in the den
and I’m still asleep but I can hear the piano
when you make breakfast after 10
and I smell the coffee on your fingers
I still smell the perfume in the bed
the crushed linen roses on everything
and your still inside my head

you gotta make her know how it feels to miss you
let her know your swapping spit
you’re not the one with all the problems no no
she’s the one that’s full of shit

so just pick your head up boys and walk away
walk the coolest walk that you know
cause in a month or two she’ll call you
you gotta hang up the phone

Is it wrong of me to think this is funny?

Check out Postsecret if you don’t know what that picture is from.

I guess I just see relationships in the military as a lost cause for the most part. Sure, there are plenty that work, but a whole hell of a lot that don’t. Meh.

So, I go back Tuesday morning… I’m a little nervous, but mostly sad to be leaving my friends and family once again. I guess I should get used to leaving… but I really don’t want to. I haven’t accomplished everything I wanted to in my time at home, but I have done most of the things I wanted to. I got to see 90% of my friends I wanted to see, I went out with friends to a lot of our old hangouts… and I actually got way too drunk one night. As always there are mistakes and regrets, but I’m not too worried about that. I am really looking forward to getting to Monterey and starting over… I see it as a new challenge and, most of all, a new opportunity for me.

There’s a corner store and a girl I know.
Got a hundred yard stare that says she’s ready to go.
She’s checkin out mother while she’s checkin out me.
And I’m just the kind of guy she shouldn’t see.
‘Cause I’ve got tattooed arms and blue jean clothes,
And I’ve been to places where her friends won’t go.
As we walk down the road I stop and pull her close.
I look in her eyes and see a tear as it slides down her nose.
She shakes her head and I know the time is wrong,
’cause we’re trying to hold on to a love that has gone.
She grabs my arm as I turn to walk away,
but we both know that I can’t stay.

Well, I am sitting here at my old friend Justin’s place waiting for him to get ready for the night. I made it through Marine Corps Recruit Training, A.K.A. “Boot Camp” and graduated on the 31st of August, 3rd BN, Lima Co, Platoon 3245. I feel great about that accomplishment, and look forward to the next step in my training.

I have to report to the School Of Infantry at Camp Pendleton, California on the 11th to start Marine Combat Training. After that I go to my MOS school in Monterey, CA. It should be a great experience for me as I start my new life and my new career. I am going to miss my family and my friends but they all understand that I need to make something of myself and have a good life. I am spending all the time I can in the 10 days I have home with my family and my friends, but it will still end way too soon. I urge anyone who wants to hang out while I am in town to get in touch with me. If you don’t know how, just leave a comment and I will see what email address it came from… and I can give you my cell phone #. I will post up some pictures of how I look now because apparently I changed. I don’t see it but everyone else says I look different. Oh well.

Anyways, I will be adding more updates as time goes by. Probably one last update before I head back for training, then I’ll be able to update some info while I am at my MOS school. I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying life as I am. Be safe, and be happy.

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again
Try to stay sober, feels like I’m dying here
I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
’cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here?
And I am aware now of how
every thing’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

Well, the time has come for me to leave. I depart on Sunday for Oklahoma City where I will stay the night at a hotel before going to MEPS on Monday morning. From there I will fly to San Diego in the afternoon, then travel by bus to Marine Corps Recruit Depot (MCRD) Sand Diego that night. From then on, It’s three months of hell. I should graduate on August 31st, and be back in Tulsa on September 1st.

I guess I am in the “nervous stage” before shipping. I am coming to terms with what I have ahead of me. I know that nothing will ever be the same after this. This fall most things will be the same, but in 2 years when I am done with my training in Monterey there is no telling if my best friends will still be around. And after 5 years, if I decide not to re-enlist, I will have to start all over once again. It’s kind of difficult to think about, but I know it is for the best. I have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out why I’ve been so stressed, and why I have been so worried about my future. I now understand that things will turn out in the end, no matter what changes. My friends will move on to their careers, as will I… and maybe some day we’ll live close to each other again. If not, then I’m sure we’ll stay in touch as much as possible. The person I thought I needed to stay for will live a good life and will hopefully be happy with their path in life.

“…whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” - Max Ehrmann

No matter how much time it takes, some day things will work out. As it says above.. It may be one day too late, but it’s just as well.

I will miss you all while I am gone. I will write to many of you, and hopefully you will write back if you get the chance. I can’t wait to see you guys again in September. Wish me luck!

Pleasure turns to the pain of the lessons learned from the strain of the questions burned to my brain, about whether love is humane in its touch.
These thoughts are salmon swimming up stream in the tears of your deceit, fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos of our intertwined emotions.
Chaotic because the anchor of arrows has been plucked from the vessel of my undying infatuation.
Separation not as simple as the distance between us, my mind no longer possessed by the demons that had been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies.
The seeds of these lies rooted so deeply they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared, allowing the faith in us I once sealed inside to gush out like a river.
Ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts as violently and brutally as if it were a baby being taken from his mothers arms.
I am left surrounded in darkness but I refuse to be swallowed by it.
My loneliness like the night air invisible to the eye but obvious to the touch in its cold uncomfortableness.
Yet if I could do it all over again I would do it in the same skin I am in.
To lay down and let love die, to stay down and let love lie, no no not I.
I will stay around and let love fly.
Even though I have seen its darkest form, deceit.
Nothing else could be this warm, feel this strong and taste so sweet.

I hope you read that… I really, really do. Read it and put some thought into it.

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions the past week. But this poem pretty much sums of my feelings. If you read my last entry you know I had a decision to make regarding my future. I was able to discuss my decision with the subject of my last entry and actually got results. It was the first time in two and a half years that we could be straight forward with each other and be honest about everything… It was quite refreshing. I was given a ‘no’ answer to any possible future between us which, although it came after I had already made my decision, was nice. Honesty was a very refreshing change.

I leave in less than three weeks for boot camp and I have so much to do. I have to clear out my storage unit, see all my friends, and get my bills squared away. I’m nervous, but very excited to start a new life. Not that I will be forgetting those who are in my life now or anything… I just know that in 5 years, there will be very few of my friend still here. I will miss them all very much while I am gone.

So I guess this post was just to give an official update on my decision.

I am leaving.
I will be a United States Marine
I will be back, someday.
And I will have a better life because of my decision to do so.

So, I’ve been lying in my bed trying to sleep for the past three hours with no luck. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I can’t get it to slow down. I’ve had an interesting night to say the least.

Read the rest of this entry »

Desiderata “Things to be Desired”

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann - 1927

That guy had it together.

This is one of my random postings before I go. I have about 70 days left before my civilian life is over and my life in the Marine Corps officially begins. I’m still training every day, and trying to make the most of every minute I have left with my family, friends, and loved ones. I hope you all enjoy Max’s poem as much as I do.